This is how you start over, vol. II

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It feels fitting, to run into you and your beautiful new girlfriend today of all days.

Thinking back on how badly I wanted to start anew, even back then. Even when I was completely oblivious to everything else that was going to happen, as that summer unfolded in a haze of color and stardust -part of me probably already knew. 

 

It took the rest of me almost two years longer than I thought it would, but.

 

I got there in the end. 

 

It's still a little crazy to me.

I still don't know how to talk about it.

I don't think I'll ever be ready for your smile changing as I listen and take my punishment. Soft and pitying, your eyes zooming right into my face as I ramble and swing my hands around like it doesn't cut a hole in my chest to be saying any of this out loud -please don't make me hide in the bathroom again. Look away, make it easy, just this once.

 

Timing is a funny thing.

 

So is hindsight. 

 

I wasn't meant to stay in that flat, or the one after that one, just like I wasn't a lot of other places, metaphorical and not, that I ended up at. 

 

I wasn't meant to be brave, not with you, not that time.

I wasn't meant to live the life I was living, but I wasn't to realize that until much later.

It's almost comical. But it's also real life, not some fantasy I made up at seventeen. And god, does the real thing feel better than the fantasy ever did. 

Not because it's perfect, not even remotely close. But because I've worked so fucking hard for it, given it everything I had at times when I really did think there was nothing left to give.

 

I had to learn how to be brave after finding every excuse not to. 

 

You see, I couldn't have done that with you. 

 

But I also think I couldn't have done that without you

 

*

 

You hold the door open with your foot as your girl looks on and our friends come calling. I've got two years on my mind and one evening at heart. It's over now and it was when it started but it lives on as it lived then. Another life, maybe.

 

(I would not make the same mistake twice)

 

This is how you start over, vol. I

Anna Myers